Trades and Tricks: Helga and Curly's Secret Bargain
by Inudaughter Returns
Summary: Helga decides to do a favor for Curly by tricking Rhonda into going out for a blind date with a wealthy kid in Hillwood. By blind, she literally means blind.
1. Chapter 1

"Pst!" came the voice again, loud and insistent. Helga swished her eyes around behind her, scanning the area for any interlopers. She knew that voice. It was him. Her odd, little, demented friend.

Helga gave one last look around the streets of Hillwood. There was no lurking around the front side of Sally's Chocolates and so she stopped, hands fisted at her side and posture slumped forward, for the one she anticipated to show himself. Sure enough, as she waited patiently, a bowl-cropped shock of black hair was lifted above its hiding place behind the dumpster at the entrance to the alley. Thaddeus Curly Gammelthorpe known in their class as Curly for short, crept halfway out from behind the dumpster to hiss insistently again.

"Psst!" the boy said before holding a crooked finger out. He wiggled it with the motion to come nearer. With her eyes wide with a grave expression, Helga wandered nearer.

"I've got the goods," Curly hissed. "I've procured the 'item' you asked for. At no insignificant risk. So, do you have, 'the garment'?"

"Yup," Helga said to her odd, little, twisted freak friend. "We trade off at class, 2 o'clock sharp. Deal?"

"Deal!" said Curly with an insane grin before disappearing behind the dumpster again. Helga lifted her eyes up to the heavens and shrugged. "Sheesh. Man, Curly is even stranger than I am. Sometimes I feel guilty for encouraging him. But who am I to judge?" Helga asked herself as she strolled down the street towards Vine Street to go pester Arnold.

Saturday was ballet practice for Helga. But no one was supposed to know that. Ever. Or else they'd have to die. Or at least have the stuffing beat out of them for exposing her secret. No, no one was ever supposed to know that Helga had a soft and delicate feminine side that actually enjoyed dancing despite the tutus that revealed her legs and stuck out at bizarre angles and forced her to wear tights that made her skin a strange shade of pink. No one was supposed to know that Curly took ballet lessons, either, or that the two classes sometimes mixed to put on actual productions. No one especially was to know that Curly sometimes lifted up Helga to do flying spins to the sound of Versailles music. So it was that the two disparate individuals, Curly and Helga, had sworn and kept to an absolute sacred pact. Never should the two speak much when outside ballet class. Never should the two be seen going together to ballet class. Never should the two reveal that either of them attended ballet class. This was their sacred oath.

Over the years their secret had leaked out by centimeters. Sid had taken photographs of Helga in her ballet uniform, unbeknownst to her. Phoebe had discovered this transgression and so Helga had stuffed Sid in a locker for punishment. Arnold had forced Curly to confess once to prove he wasn't the one guilty of kidnapping a stuffed alligator named Wally. Then there was Lila, that red-headed horribly goodie-two-shoes who moved into town much to Helga's dual delight and agony. Lila was in the introductory classes and had taken especial note that Curly and Helga were both in the more advanced classes of Madame Bovary's Dance Academy. But she hadn't spread that knowledge wide and far.

No, even, if some of their classmates had already found out, Helga and Curly continued to keep their dance class attendances a closely guarded secret. As was habit, Helga went to great lengths NOT to be seen with Curly. So on this day, she put on a pair of wide sunglasses and walked four blocks over to take a bus past Madame Bovary's Dance Academy for Boys and Girls. Then she took a bus back in the opposite direction. Helga shifted her sunglasses down from her face a wee bit and glanced in either direction to make sure no one was watching from across the street before entering the building.

"Whew!" said Helga making her way to the locker room. She donned a ballet costume for practice and secured her dance slippers to her toes by their long lacings. Then she tested them out a bit, lifting herself to her toes and staying there for a few moments before lowering the whole flat of her feet to the floor again. Then, her eyebrow lowered, she went to find Curly.

""Helga. Babe!" said Curly greeting her with a maniac grin. Helga rolled her eyes upward. Still hunched forward, she shoved a nightdress in his direction.

"Oooo," said Curly drooling over the garment. "Perfection! Almost as savory as my darling, Rhonda!" He stroked the gown with longing.

"Yeah, yeah," said Helga bored. "So do you have what I asked for? Months ago?"

"Here!" said Curly pausing long enough in his admiration to slap a stinky white T-shirt in Helga's direction. Helga gathered it up in her arms almost as if there was a boy in it. Then with a dreamy sigh, she lifted the shirt up to her nose to take a deep whiff of it. A euphoric expression passed across her face.

"What?!" she demanded of Curly as the boy wordlessly watched her deep wuff. "So I have a sweat fetish. So what of it?!"

"Nothing, friend. No need to raise your voice," said Curly bowing gracefully. "I was just wondering what job you would like me to do. For our next trade that is."

"Well," said Helga looking awkward suddenly. "About that. You know how, Curly, for years I've been cutting the labels off Rhonda's clothes or pinching her hairbrushes for you?" said Helga curling a hand around Curly's shoulder. "Well, it's always been for something in trade. Something of Arnold's. A gym sock. An old piece of geography homework. A brown paper bag made into a book cover with multiplication written inside the front cover. A very hard to reach T-shirt," said Helga lifting up the shirt. "You've helped me, loads Curly. We've helped each other lots. But I just don't think I want to- need to- collect things to build my shrines with much anymore. Curly, he saw my shrine. Arnold SAW my shrine I built to him."

"What?!" Curly gasped before biting his lip. Transfixed, he waited for Helga to continue her story.

"I thought it was the end of the world. I mean, a shrine in a closet?!" said Helga waving her arms around. "I'm a total fruit basket! I've always needed those things to comfort me and make me feel nearer to him. But it's not the same anymore. Somehow the same things that have always felt comforting to me feel hollow. Empty. So I've decided not to build shrines anymore. Except little ones, maybe. I'm mostly doing picture collages now. But," said Helga, a dreamy expression growing across her face, "I'm not sad. I'm spending a lot of time with the real deal now. So for once, there isn't anything that I want you to collect on my behalf. But I've been thinking. Since you've been such a good, dear partner in crime of mine, our dear, demented Curly, I should help you out! I want to make it so you get a chance to get close to your crush so you won't need to sleep with a locket of hair under your pillow anymore, or glue dry macaroni on your bedroom wall in the shape of Rhonda's likeness. I'm talking about setting you up with a real date with Miss Rhonda Lloyd herself."

"A date?!" Curly exclaimed. Helga could practically see the heat coming out of his nostrils at the enticing thought. "Is such a thing possible? What's your angle?"

"Like I said, we're friends, aren't we?" Helga purred smugly. "Call it gratitude for keeping our mutual secrets, secret. I'll set things up real good. I'll bring Miss Rhonda Lloyd to the mall for an afternoon outing with you, so that you may taste a bit of bliss. But it isn't going to be cheap. If you want this thing to work, you're going to have to bring money. Lots of money for the 'princess' to spend. Like five hundred dollars," said Helga letting the number drop.

"Five hundred?" Curly repeated with distaste. "That's five months of allowance. But anything for Rhonda dear."

"Exactly," said Helga straightening her spine up to stand properly instead of hunching over Curly. "You've got to show Miss Rhonda Lloyd that you've got the money. That way, she'll be all over you. Even if not for the right reasons."

"But how will you get her to agree to such thing?" asked Curly, still perplexed. Helga smiled.

"Oh, I have some ideas about these things. Soon we'll have Miss Rhonda Lloyd eating candy off your hand," said Helga giving off an evil chuckle. After all, Rhonda loved shopping better than anything and Curly's family's business was a booming, lucrative empire. The perfect match for a girl driven by greed. Then, off in the distance, Helga heard the voice of their ballet instructor, Madame Bovary.

"'Elga? Curl-ee! Get over here! Exercise set, vite, vite, vite!"

"Yes, ma'am," Helga hollered back before Curly and she shuffled into the room filled with mostly early middle-schoolers.

"Okay, lift me," said Helga assuming a braced tiptoe in her ballerina slippers, her arms kept arched tall above her. "And keep your hands as much to yourself as you can, please."

"You got it, babe," said Curly with cheerful professionalism. He hoisted her up in the air.

And now a poem. Love it? Hate it? Please review, this special story crafted for you!


	2. Chapter 2

Curly, the strange bowl-haired kid from P.S.118, was true to his word to show up at the mall on a sunny Saturday. It would have been the perfect weather for a game of baseball, but Helga had more important things to do. Namely, bring one spoiled princess to the shopping mall's famous food court for a blind date.

"Now remember!" Helga said to a highly suspicious, not yet blindfolded Rhonda Wellington Lloyd sporting a cute summer dress. "This guy is very sensitive! He's nervous about dates so remember to keep on your blindfold at all times, okay? You don't want to upset him, now do you?" Helga wheedled. Rhonda set her hand at her hips and glared forcefully at Helga.

"It isn't Curly, is it?" Rhonda asked, bluntly. Helga put on her best poker face.

"No, no! Don't be ridiculous!" she said waving a hand although she tugged her hand at her collar to loosen it- a sign of anxiety. There was only one solution to this in her mind. Lie.

"It's… Lorenzo! Yeah, that's who it is!" Helga fibbed.

"Lorenzo?!" Rhonda repeated the name with fascination. "The last person I might have thought of… but I guess that makes sense. Sort of," Rhonda said with mere touch less suspicion than before. But she hadn't run yet, and that was a good sign that Helga's plan might work after all.

"Yeah, yeah. Now just sit there and make small talk for an hour, 'kay?" Helga hurriedly tied the blindfold over Rhonda's eyes. "Now you wait right here!" Helga barked. "Your date and I will be right back!"

"Hm. Well you had better hurry!" Rhonda complained with a sniff. "My cappuccino might get cold. I'll need a new one."

"Two seconds!" Helga promised before she dove behind a bush.

She popped out on the other side of the shrubby. Curly watched her straighten her posture in silence. Then, when he was really sure it was Helga who had suddenly appeared before him, he spoke.

"Well, well, is she here?!" Curly asked with mania. Helga grinned at the boy.

"Yup! Now remember the plan! Don't speak at all! You've got laryngitis, remember?"

"Mute as a stone sparrow!" Curly promised. "Anything to be with Rhonda-Dear! But I couldn't bring the cash. I had to borrow my father's credit card instead!"

"Is that really okay?" Helga asked, voice laced with doubt.

"Sure it is!" Curly said. "My dad's let me borrow it loads of times!"

"Good enough! Let's go!" Helga walked around the bush this time instead of diving through it. She stopped Rhonda from peeking through her mask by retying it, then pulled out one of the table chairs for Curly to sit in. She bowed Curly to the seat graciously, but with a cheshire cat-like smile.

"Here ya go!" Helga declared, proud of yourself. "Your date is here, Rhonda! He's got laryngitis and he's shy, so you'll have to do all of the talking for him. Which shouldn't be a problem because he's brought money for you to spend." Still wearing maniac smile, Curly held out the credit card for Rhonda to touch. Her fingertips brushed against the pressed card numbers. Rhonda gasped. She squealed and placed one of her palms against her cheek.

"Oooh! What are we wasting time here for?! Let's shop!" Rhonda said snatching the card up and looping her arm into Curly's. As the two stood up on their feet, Helga brushed her hands together as if dusting them of an invisible dust.

"Great! If you two are fine, I'll be off!" Helga said with glee that her plan was working so well. "There's a little comic book store over there I want to visit!" Helga said gesturing her thumb behind her. She rushed off.

"That leaves the two of us!" Rhonda said with delight. "Let's start with this shop right over there! Will you guide me to it? Why thank you!" she said, battering her eyelashes once. Curly continued to grin. But as Curly reached the clerk at the shop, two hands grabbed him from behind.

"Well, well! If it isn't a little squelcher!" Wolfgang the bully laughed before shoving Curling into a trashcan. Wolfgang and Edmund laughed a minute before walking away. They left Curly in the can and to his great frustration, it seemed he was not going to get out of the can easily, either. The boy waved his legs in the air in vain. Rhonda meanwhile, hadn't noticed anything. She was too busy talking to the clerk.

"And I've always wanted one of those, too!" she said out loud. "I'd like one of those also! Ring me out!" Rhonda chirped with delight. She held up the credit card Curly had brought. The clerk absentmindedly rang up her receipt. Rhonda went to tuck her arm into Curly's for him to guide her, but her blind-date wasn't the one standing nearest to her. It was someone wearing a teddy bear costume instead. But Rhonda mistook that person for her date and folded her arm under theirs.

"Oooh! Is that a new coat? It's eccentric for you to wear it indoors, but oh well!" Rhonda chirped with happy delirium. "Take me across the street to the candy shop, will you… dumpling?" Rhonda squeezed the teddy arm tightly. Confused, the person in a bear costume obliged. As soon as they succeeded in guiding the blindfolded girl to the candy counter, they ran away.

In the comic book store, Helga was reading one of her favorite comic books. She snickered loudly and held her ribs as she grinned. But then she peered out the shop window to see that Rhonda stood at the candy shop counter alone. Curly had gone missing.

"Yikes!" Helga said dropping the comic book in her hand onto the floor. She dashed out of the store empty-handed. She bolted to Rhonda's side. Just in time, Helga stood alongside Rhonda for the girl to finish her transaction using Curly's borrowed credit card. Rhonda tucked her arm into Helga's and clung on, giggling. Helga's eyes whirled around. The situation was bizarre and immensely uncomfortable for her, but she kept silent. She just prayed that Arnold or anyone else wouldn't see her and Rhonda like this.

"To the next store, snookums!" Rhonda said, flashing a grin. Helga flinched at being called "snookums", but she obliged Rhonda to keep up the ruse. She left Rhonda standing at the counter to a shop which sold hair accessories, bracelets, and other such small trinkets. Then she doubled back because she had spotted what had happened to Curly.

"Oof!" said Helga trying to tug the boy out of the garbage bin. She succeeded but Curly rolled out of the bin with such force that the trash bin tipped to spewed out all over the floor. Curly landed face forward on the concrete floor, while Helga herself snapped backwards with such great force she ended up on her rump.

"Ouch. My tailbone!" Helga complained rubbing her backside. Curly still lay on the floor. Meanwhile, the real Lorenzo had walked up to Rhonda to stand at her side. The wealthy latino boy whom had joined their class near the end of the third grade had recognized Rhonda. He might have said hello to his fellow classmate, but instead he puzzled over why the girl was wearing a blindfold at the mall. He was extra startled when Rhonda Lloyd lunged for his arm.

"Oh, Lorenzo!" Rhonda said, presuming for a moment that the lie Helga had told her was right, and which for the moment, ironically was. "Let's go over there for a moment and buy a little cup of tea! And biscotti! They have the best biscotti!"

"S'okay. That's fine with me!" Lorenzo said. He escorted Rhonda by arm to the restaurant and bought them both a cup of tea. They sat down.

"Darn it!" Helga cursed. "Get in there, Curly! I'll distract Lorenzo!" Helga said pushing Curly forward. Curly looped his arm with Rhonda's to prompt her to abandon her chair.

"More shopping, darling? Well, I suppose I could use a new sweater for winter!" Rhonda giggled with delight. Helga meanwhile, sat down in the chair Rhonda had just vacated.

"Uh, is there something 'sup wid her?" the boy asked, but politely. Helga gave a nervous, forced laugh.

"No, no! It's nothing!" Helga laughed. "I just wanted to ask you a few questions about… junior investing! Yep, you're the junior investor of our class!" Helga fibbed in order to be a distraction.

Rhonda was complacently led to a soft-serve booth in the food court. Rhonda devoured a smooshy vanilla cone, then sat on what was actually a sack of rice on a delivery dolley instead of a chair. The man with the giant under lip pushed the cart along without noticing the stowaway.

"Ooh! Palladin service!" Rhonda delighted. Curly turned back from getting a cone of chocolate soft-serve with sprinkles only to discover that Rhonda had gone missing. He bit his teeth together in panic.

"You search that way and I'll search this way!" the boy blurted.

"Gotcha!" Helga nodded. She pumped her arms as she ran. But try as she might, Rhonda was to be found neither high nor low. Curly wasn't having much success, either. Passing a payphone, he halted to use it. Curly dialed a number swiftly and spoke into the receiver.

"Helga?!" Curly blurted into the payphone receiver. "I can't find Rhonda my dear, anywhere! Have you found her yet?!" Curly jumped at the voice he heard.

"Stop calling me! This is the wrong number!" the voice of the man with the giant underlip said. "Wait a minute… Rhonda you said? I know exactly where she is. You'll have to sign for her," the man said. "Where are you?"

"By the payphone," Curl said gnashing his teeth in confusion.

"See you in two," the man said hanging up the phone. Curly was still listening to the dial tone with receiver in hand when a trolley cart loaded with goods and Rhonda rolled up next to him. The man with the large lip was back. He used one hand to coax Rhonda to stand up and step away from his cart. Then he thrust a clipboard and pen in Curly's direction. Curly scribbled his name on the board.

"Thanks," Curly said shaking the delivery man's hand.

"Um-huh!" the fishmonger, restaurant chef, and occasional truck delivery man mumbled before going his way. Curly tucked his hand into Rhonda's. Just then, Helga came peeling up to the boy.

"Curly?!" Helga blurted out in a panic. "Did you find her?! Oh… oh, hello Rhonda!" said Helga realizing her mistake. She had failed to notice Rhonda in time. She had said Curly's name out loud herself. Rhonda pried off her blindfold.

"I knew it!" Rhonda said with victory. "You were trying to fool me, Helga!" Rhonda said, slightly cross. "But no matter! I had the best date ever!" Rhonda exclaimed. Giddy, she kissed the credit card she had borrowed from Curly. Curly and Helga looked at one another, sharing a certain conclusion. Curly snatched his father's credit card back.

"I wanna go on another date sometime!" Rhonda grinned waving her one free hand over her head. The other hand was loaded with shopping bags. Curly grimaced.

"Well. I dunno, sweetheart," Curly said. "That depends."

"Depends on what?" Rhonda asked in an innocent voice.

"It depends on whether my parents flip out!" Curly said tucking the card into his pocket. Rhonda grinned.

"Oh, Curly! I only maxed the credit card out! It must have been close to the brink as it was! I only spent about a thousand dollars!" Curly gritted his teeth and clutched his head like he was going to faint.

"Oooh, steady there," Helga spoke up for her strange friend as she supported him from collapsing. Then she spoke to Rhonda.

"Well, friend!" Helga told Rhonda. "Sorry for fooling you but it was the only way. I'm glad things worked out. What's in the bags?"

"Oh, collectible figurines, luxury candies, and a little diamond necklace for myself!" said Rhonda wiggling her fingers. "Do you want some pralines?"

"Sure!" Helga said taking the couple of candies Rhonda offered. She passed one to a dismal but recovering Curly. Then the three walked out of the shopping mall. Once they were all back in their neighborhood and Rhonda had parted from them, Helga turned to Curly. She scratched her chin.

"So, given up on Rhonda, huh?" she asked a frowning Curly. But his answer was to surprise her.

"Oh, contraire!" Curly said, although with a tad less passionate energy than usual. "Rhonda has very expensive tastes, but she is like a gourmet chocolate! Sweet and opulent. But I think I will have to become a moneyed man to be sweet enough for her tastes. It is a new goal!" Curly said punching the air.

"Good luck with that," Helga said shaking the odd boy's hand. Then she walked off into the distance. She prowled to a corner where, to her luck, Arnold and Gerald were messing around looking at a weird shaped stick.

"Look what we found!" Arnold said with delight. "This stick is shaped like United States! Weird like that, huh?" Arnold handed the stick to Helga.

"You think that's weird?" Gerald spoke up. "I found this little pebble here and it's blue and white AND pink in the middle. I think it's some of that igneous rock."

"You mean sedimentary rock," Arnold corrected.

"Yeah, yeah," Gerald corrected himself. He handed the pebble to Helga to look at. She stared at both the things for a moment.

"Want a mint?' Arnold offered from a small, white and green cardboard box in his hand. He popped a few candies in his own mouth. Arnold then handed the rest of the package to Gerald to chow down. The he and Gerald began to walk away. Helga examined the tiny mint candy given to her, then ate it. Then she glanced down at the useless yet curious objects in her hand. She heaved them to the edge of the sidewalk for some other kid to find.

"Good enough!" Helga shrugged before rushing to catch up with the guys. She fell in step behind them. All was right in her world. The end.


End file.
